To My Single Friends Who Wonder Where I Went When I Got Married (and to my married friends who wonder where I went when I had kids)

I miss you. I really do.

And I’m not ignoring you. I’m really not.

We used to hang out. . . A LOT. We used to get coffee and dinner and hike and go to concerts and. . . I miss that! I realize that you wanted to give me privacy those first couple of months of marriage, but it’s past time—we’re due to hang out!

I wonder if sometimes you aren’t sure what to do with me because you know I’ve changed. I’m now related with others in a different way than when we were closest. You may think that my change affects our relationship negatively.

So, here are some things I want you to know. . .

I don’t think I’m too mature for you now. In fact, if anything, being married confronts me daily with my immaturity. I’m disappointing. And having kids makes me realize my deep selfishness. Ugh. Make me go out, have fun, and think about other stuff for a bit—please!

I don’t want to only hang out with fellow married people. Yes, it’s nice to double date, but it’s also nice to go out ALONE with a friend! It’s fine that you don’t really know my husband. Feel free to say hello to him, make no small talk, and then take me out alone.

I don’t want to only be with people who have kids. In fact, I’m happy to be with just you. It’s good for me to hear about your life, and if I talk about my husband and kids, it’s because they consume me right now, not because I think I’m better because of them.

I DON'T want to only hang out with married people/parents. I need YOU! Click To Tweet

When I say come over any time, I mean it. I realize that you’d prefer a formal invitation, a specific date when you plan to come over. I get it. But my life is dizzying sometimes most of the time always and all my brain space is full of potty training and eating schedules and my kids are literally between my legs when I’m trying to make dinner shower go to the bathroom sleep do anything, so bear with me if it’s a bit of a challenge to initiate plans. I’m literally at home pretty much every night, there’s always food, and always, always chocolate and wine after the kids go off to bed.

You are on my mind. I realize that it took me three weeks to return your text. I can’t believe it either. But here’s what happened—I picked up my phone and read it, excited to hear from you. I started a reply when there was a sudden crash and ear-piercing scream from the other room.

I dropped the phone and went running to save the day.

When everyone calmed down, I couldn’t find my phone and had to wait until my husband got home so he could call it while keeping the kids quiet and I could listen for the buzz (I’d turned off the ringer so as not to awake the finally sleeping child). By that time, I’d lost track of your text, the shopping list, my mind, my mom’s call, pretty much everything in my life.

Since Iphone has not yet come up with an app that reminds me I haven’t answered texts from people I love, I forgot.

Two days later, when I was out for a run, I remembered and composed a return text in my head since I didn’t have my phone on me. I planned to send it when I got home, but I walked in the door to hungry kids demanding breakfast immediately. I also remembered in the shower a few days later, edited the text in my mind, planned to send it after I was clothed, but was waylaid on the way to covering myself by the newest walker in the house showing off his skills. I remembered when I was reading Caps for Sale for the sixtieth time, but my fuzzy brain told me I’d sent that well-edited text and I prayed you’d respond. Three weeks later, I ashamedly send you a response, unable to narrate the dizzy lifestyle I’ve chosen. All that to say, I think of you often, please believe me.

You are on my mind a lot, even when I forget to text back. Click To Tweet

When I’m with you, I don’t wish I was with my family. Yes, I’ve chosen to spend the rest of my life with him because, well, I like being with him a lot. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to do meaningful things with YOU. I also love the little ones whom I’ve birthed—they make me laugh all the time. But so do YOU. Remember you’re giving me a break from them absence makes the heart grow fonder, so you’re actually making my relationships stronger when you and I get together!

That’s all I have to say for now. Please call. Let’s go out!

(Interested in hearing more from me? Check out my book, The Book of Womanhood)

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About Amy F Davis Abdallah

2 thoughts on “To My Single Friends Who Wonder Where I Went When I Got Married (and to my married friends who wonder where I went when I had kids)

  1. Smiling, because I remember inviting a single friend over for Easter dinner back when all my kids were still home and quite young. She stood in my kitchen with me as I carved the ham, looking around at the mayhem, and in a breathless voice said, “So this is what I hear in the background when we’re talking on the phone.”

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